Jack Thompson forsvandt!

Med Jack Thompsons nylige permanente udelukkelse har retssystemet mistet sin største mester siden Judge Juggles  The Clown  druknede i en retssal fyldt med vanillecreme. Mens hans nyligt ikke-professionelle status frigør ham til et skud ved OL i ^(Olympics)Dumbass i 2009 , fejrer vi hans karrieres bortgang ved at se tilbage på ti store Thompson - øjeblikke.

1. Kæmper mod Janet Reno

Længe før han tog imod Take-Two og Rockstar , havde John Bruce "Jack" Thompson sigtede på at blive statsanklager i Dade county. Hans modstander var den daværende statsadvokat Janet Reno , og i en konkurrence for at afgøre, hvem der var bedst egnet til at bevise skylden hos dem, der var anklaget for mord, voldtægt og kidnapning, valgte han strategien om at "kalde hende lesbisk".

Nej, undskyld, "kalder hende lesbisk på samme måde som en ni-årig dreng på hjemmeværelset", da han gav hende en seddel, hvor han bad hende markere en boks for at indikere, at hun var heteroseksuel/biseksuel/homoseksuel. Vi antager, at han derefter fnisede og pustede kugler af, hvad der end svarer til en lærer ved en kampagnebegivenhed. Hun lagde en hånd på hans skulder og forklarede, at hun kun var tiltrukket af virile mænd, hvorfor hun ikke var tiltrukket af ham.

Med videospillenes ord, han hader så meget, PWN3D . Hans svar? At indgive en politianmeldelse, der hævdede, at hun var meget berørt af hans person, udgjorde et batteri, eller med andre ord at kræve, at de politibetjente var nødvendige for at forsvare ham mod en halvtredsårig kvindes dødsgreb . ^{(Death Grip)}Janet Reno fortsatte med at overvåge dommene fra Unabomber , Timothy McVeigh og World Trade Center- bombeflyene. Jack fortsatte med at vælge og tabe kampe mod folk, der leverer hjemmeunderholdning.

2. Batman of Rap

I 1990 besluttede Jacky , som vi nu vil referere til ham som "Jack", et alt for mandigt navn til en, der frygter Kung Fu fra en kvinde over et halvt århundrede gammel, at Rap var hans nye fjende. I sin kampagne mod 2Live^{(Rap Music)} Crews "As Nasty As They Wanna Be" hævdede han, at han var Bruce Wayne , en Batman for at bekæmpe rapmusikkens ondskaber . Ikke kun i ord: han bar et Bat-ur^(Bat-watch) og sendte folk kopier af sit kørekort med billeder af Batmanredigeret i. Hænderne op, hvis det lyder som en handling fra en veltilpasset juridisk professionel (der vil ikke være hænderne op, da enhver, der forsøger at rejse en, vil finde det ubelejligt "fastholdt" af en slags "jakke").

Bemærk, at dette var i 1990, året hvor en psykiatrisk evaluering i Florida certificerede ham som tilregnelig. Indikerer, at Florida har været nødt til seriøst at revurdere sine mentale sundhedsstandarder i næsten 20 år, som alle, der har været der, vil være enige. Desværre efterlignede han aldrig Batman til det punkt, hvor han sprang gennem et ovenlysvindue af pladeglas ind i et lager fyldt med rappere, fordi resultaterne fra det, ærligt talt, ville have været virkelig sjove.

3. Heath High School Sag

I 1997 anlagde Jackqueline^{(Jackqueline)} sag mod skaberne af Doom , MechWarrior , flere andre spil, det meste af Hollywood og de dele af internettet^(Internet) med porno på. Han krævede 33 millioner dollars i erstatning på vegne af ofrenes mere opportunistiske familier, og på trods af, at det store antal "tiltalte" betød, at de kunne betale tyve cent hver og sandsynligvis betale regningen, blev sagen afvist for endda at fremlægge en juridisk genkendelig påstand. Det tætteste advokatbranchen rent faktisk kan komme på at gå "Sig hvad?" med et væmmet udtryk i ansigtet.

Hans argument var, at Doom var en ekstremt nøjagtig militær-lignende mordsimulator, hvilket betyder, at enten har han faktisk ikke set Doom , eller at den amerikanske hær^{(US Army)} seriøst underrapporterer antallet af dæmonbefængte marsbaser, der i øjeblikket er opført som kampzoner.

4. Columbine, Virginia, NIU

Jacki sprang tilbage i rampelyset og opfandt på egen hånd det fornemme koncept "massakrejagt", og vejede ind i Virginia Tech - skyderierne med al den takt og respekt, som et tilfældigt næsehorn i en børnezoo. Og omtrent samme niveau af sammenhæng. Hans tirader var lidt mindre præcise end en blind pygmæ med en krystalkugle og meget mindre underholdende. Ved Northern Illinois Shootings^{(Northern Illinois Shootings Jackisha)} blev Jackisha introduceret som en " Campus Shooting Expert " - det faktum, at hverken han eller Fox så noget problem med det, siger mere om dem, end vi kunne.

5. Penny Arcade Donation

Jackette tilbød ti tusinde dollars til velgørenhedsorganisationen for enhver, der lavede et spil, der repræsenterede mordet på Take-Two- chefen Paul Eibeler . Da han blev taget imod tilbuddet, afslørede han på snedig vis, at hele "tilbuddet om at give penge til velgørenhed" var satire. En revolutionær ny form for satire, ikke definitionen af ​​satire, der deles af ordbøger eller resten af ​​den engelsktalende^(English) verden, men i stedet defineret af Jackisha som at "dingle penge foran mennesker i nød og piske dem væk i sidste øjeblik. Også at lyve og chicken ud af ting på en utrolig offentlig måde."

Skaberne af spilwebkomikeren Penny Arcade  donerede pengene^{(donated the money)} på hans vegne til Child's Play velgørenhed for syge børn. Der er mange måder at fortolke folk, der bruger fem tal for at gøre op for din dårlige gæld: skam, skyld, tilbagetrækning fra det offentlige liv for at sone i et fjerntliggende kloster. Jack valgte at  ringe til politiet^{(call the police)} . Med den begrundelse, at to mænd donerede deres egne penge til velgørenhed. Sagen havde også omtrent lige så stor chance for succes som en souffle-baseret panserbrydende kugle, der viser Jacks skarpe juridiske dygtighed og den måde, han bestemt ikke bruger den retfærdige proces i et frit land som klub til at true folk med.

6. Kyllinger ud af den falske debat

Thompson fortsatte sin "Being a lying coward in public" streak i 2008 ved at udfordre, nej, at vove Simula-Samuel L Jackson fra Newsgroper til en debat. Da han blev taget imod tilbuddet, gæt hvad der skete^{(guess what happened)} .

Vi kan forstå at løbe fra en flyvning fra den rigtige Samuel L Jackson . Det er den eneste fornuftige mulighed – ved sidste optælling er han en frafalden FBI SHIELD -agent Jedi Samurai Mob Enforcer , der spiller efter sine egne regler, og oven i det hele er han Samuel Goddamn Jackson . Men en falsk Jackson ? Her er et tip, Jacki , for det er blevet klart, at du ikke forstår det her teknologiske: de mennesker, der foregiver at være hårde online, er stort set det modsatte. En person, der udgiver sig for at være Sam L , er sandsynligvis den hvideste, blegste inoffensive non-mofo, du finder uden for albinoafdelingen på et osteoporosehospital.

7. NIMF fortæller ham, at han skal fare vild

Advarselssirenerne på Crazy-ometeret bragede^{(Crazy-ometer)} virkelig, da selv National Institute on Media and the Family meddelte, at det ikke var ham, det var dem, og hvis han kunne gå og skrige og kaste lort som en sindssyg  et andet sted^{(somewhere else)} , at ville bare være super. NIMF , de mennesker, der opfandt det idiotiske ikke-ord "killografisk" og har anklaget videospil for at fremme ikke bare mord, men direkte kannibalisme, kiggede på Jack Thompson og sagde "Damn, men den fyr er skør".

8. Florida bar: Sæt op eller hold kæft. Faktisk stille op OG^(AND) holde kæft

2008 var året, hvor Florida Bar endelig fik nok af, at Jack lavede en hån ud af hele deres levebrød - kun atten år efter første gang, de anklagede ham for at være sindssyg, så du kan se retfærdighedens lynhastighed i Sunshine State . Han blev beordret til at deltage i en udsættelsesretssag, som kunne udelukke ham fra advokatbranchen i fem år. For at tilføje "Vi kan også indgive ekstra retssager"-fornærmelse til karriereskaden, indgav de en kendelse om udstilling^{(show cause)}  om, at han ville være nødt til at bevise, at han ikke har brugt det juridiske system som sin egen personlige sæbekasse og truende-pind.^{(Threatening-Stick)} . Hvilket^(Which) på dette tidspunkt ville være ret vanskeligt.

De afgjorde også, at enhver yderligere retssag indgivet af Jack skal underskrives af et andet medlem af Florida Bar , eller sagt på en anden måde, siger de bogstaveligt talt "Du har ikke lov til at lege med vores retssystem, medmindre de er under opsyn af en ansvarlig voksen." Han reagerede på at få at vide, at han nu juridisk set blev betragtet som mindreårig ved straks at anke. Uden signatur.

9. Går ud af sin egen hørelse

Selvfølgelig ville Jack ikke nøjes med afskedigelse. Med sin opførsel lykkedes det ham at få sagen ophøjet til "forbedret fritagelse", hvilket forbød ham at udøve jura i et helt årti, og stormede ud af sin egen sag og anklagede dommeren for ikke at have autoritet til at høre dem.

For at gentage: han trådte ud af sagen med den begrundelse, at dommeren i en sag anlagt mod ham af Højesteret^{(Supreme Court)} ikke havde den nødvendige juridiske hjemmel. Uden^(Short) at Jesus vender tilbage, går på jurastudiet og kombinerer med præsidenten^(President) og Buddha for at danne The Right Honorable Lawyo-Tron^{(Right Honourable Lawyo-Tron)} , er det svært at forestille sig, hvem han forestiller sig ville have autoriteten.

Han beskyldte ikke kun dommeren for at være ukvalificeret, men også for at være mentalt ubalanceret og begyndte at kaste rundt på sætninger som "at dræbe tre tusinde mennesker". For dem af os, der har været inden for ti meter fra en retshåndhævende embedsmand siden 9/11, betragtes det generelt som en dårlig idé. En rigtig dårlig idé. En " US Marshals sendt til dit hjem for at forklare, hvorfor det ikke er en god idé at tale om at begå massemord i breve til juridiske embedsmænd, som Jack fandt ud af kort efter.

10. Permanent udelukket

Alt dette formåede at hæve indsatsen til permanent udelukkelse, en "aldrig mørkere vores dørtrin igen", som Florida Bar endelig udstedte. Næsten to årtier efter, at en voksen mand sagde, at han ville jagte rappere under dække af Bruce Wayne . Selvfølgelig har Jack lovet at fortsætte den gode kamp, ​​og i betragtning af hans tidligere opførsel er det fuldt ud muligt, at han stadig vil anlægge sag, når de har fået ham både juridisk og fysisk tilbageholdt på et sindssygehospital, skriblende rasende og unøjagtige udsagn med en farveblyant holdt mellem tænderne.

10 Great Moments in Jack Thompson’s (Failed) Career

Jack Thompson disbared!

With Jack Thompson’s recent permanent disbarment, the legal system has lost its greatest champion since Judge Juggles The Clown drowned in a courtroom filled with custard. While his newly non-professional status frees him up for a shot at the 2009 Dumbass Olympics, we commemorate his career’s passing by looking back at ten great Thompson moments.

1. Battling Janet Reno

Long before taking on Take-Two and Rockstar, John Bruce “Jack” Thompson had his sights set on becoming state prosecutor in Dade county. His opponent was then-state attorney Janet Reno, and in a contest to determine who was best suited to prove the guilt of those accused of murder, rape, and kidnapping he opted for the strategy of “calling her a lesbian”.

No, sorry, “calling her a lesbian in the fashion of a nine-year-old boy in homeroom”, as he passed her a note asking her to check a box to indicate that she was heterosexual/bisexual/homosexual. We assume he then giggled and blew spitballs at whatever the equivalent of a teacher is at a campaign event. She placed a hand on his shoulder and explained that she was only attracted to virile men, which is why she wasn’t attracted to him.

In the words of the videogames, he hates so much, PWN3D. His response? To file a police report claiming her very touch on his person constituted battery, or in other words, demanding those police officers were needed to defend him from the Death Grip of a fifty-year-old woman. Janet Reno went on to supervise the convictions of the Unabomber, Timothy McVeigh, and the World Trade Center bombers. Jack went on to pick and lose fights against people who provide home entertainment.

2. Batman of Rap

In 1990 Jacky, as we will now refer to him as “Jack” is entirely too manly a name for one who fears the Kung Fu of a woman over half a century old, decided that Rap was his new enemy. In his campaign against 2Live Crew’s “As Nasty As They Wanna Be” he claimed that he was Bruce Wayne, a Batman to fight the evils of Rap Music. Not just in words: he wore a Bat-watch and mailed people copies of his driver’s license with pictures of Batman edited in. Hands up if that sounds like the act of a well-adjusted legal professional (there will be no hands up, as anybody who tries to raise one will find it inconveniently “restrained” by some kind of “jacket”).

Note that this was in 1990, the year a Florida psychiatric evaluation certified him as sane. Indicating that Florida has needed to seriously re-evaluate its mental health standards for nearly 20 years, as anyone who’s been there will agree. Unfortunately, he never emulated Batman to the point of leaping through a plate glass skylight into a warehouse full of rappers because, honestly, the results from that would have been really funny.

3. Heath High School Case

In 1997 Jackqueline filed suit against the makers of Doom, MechWarrior, several other games, most of Hollywood and the parts of the Internet with porn on them. He claimed $33 million in damages on behalf the more opportunistic families of victims, and despite the fact that the sheer number of “defendants” meant they could pay twenty cents each and probably meet the bill, the case was dismissed for even presenting a legally recognizable claim. The closest the legal profession can actually get to going “Say What?” with a disgusted expression on its face.

His argument was that Doom was an extremely accurate military-style murder simulator, meaning either he hasn’t actually seen Doom or the US Army is seriously under-reporting the number of demon-infested martian bases currently listed as combat zones.

4. Columbine, Virginia, NIU

Jacki leaped back into the spotlight and single-handedly invented the classy concept of “massacre chasing”, weighing in on the Virginia Tech shootings with all the tact and respect of a randy rhinoceros in a petting zoo. And about the same level of coherence. His tirades were slightly less accurate than a blind pygmy with a crystal ball and much less entertaining. By the Northern Illinois Shootings Jackisha was being introduced as a “Campus Shooting Expert” – the fact that neither he nor Fox saw any problem with that says more about them than we could.

5. The Penny Arcade Donation

Jackette offered ten thousand dollars to the charity of choice of anyone who made a game representing the murder of Take-Two boss Paul Eibeler. When he was taken up on the offer he cunningly revealed that the entire “offering to give money to charity” thing was satire. A revolutionary new form of satire, not the definition of satire shared by dictionaries, or the rest of the English speaking world, but instead defined by Jackisha as “dangling money in front of people in need and whipping it away at the last moment. Also, lying and chickening out of things in an incredibly public manner.”

The makers of gaming webcomic Penny Arcade donated the money on his behalf to the Child’s Play charity for sick children. There are many ways to interpret people spending five figures to make up for your bad debt: shame, guilt, withdrawal from public life to atone in a remote monastery. Jack opted to call the police. On the grounds that two men donated their own money to charity. Also, the case had about as much chance of success as a souffle-based armor-piercing bullet, showing Jack’s keen legal acumen and the way he certainly doesn’t use the due process of a free country as a club to threaten people with.

6. Chickens out of the fake debate

Thompson kept up his “Being a lying coward in public” streak in 2008 by challenging, nay, daring the Simula-Samuel L Jackson of Newsgroper to a debate. When he was taken up on the offer, well, guess what happened.

We can understand running from a flight from the real Samuel L Jackson. That’s the only sensible option – at the last count he’s a renegade FBI SHIELD agent Jedi Samurai Mob Enforcer who plays by his own rules, and on top of all that, he’s Samuel Goddamn Jackson. But a fake Jackson? Here’s a hint, Jacki, because it’s become clear you don’t understand this technology stuff: the people pretending to be tough online are pretty much the opposite. Somebody pretending to be Sam L is likeliest the whitest, palest inoffensive non-mofo you’ll find outside the albino ward of an osteoporosis hospital.

7. NIMF tells him to get lost

The warning sirens on the Crazy-ometer were really blaring when even the National Institute on Media and the Family announced that it wasn’t him, it was them, and if he could go and scream and fling shit like a lunatic somewhere else, that would be just super. NIMF, the people who invented the idiotic non-word “killographic” and have accused video games of promoting not just murder but outright cannibalism, looked at Jack Thompson and said “Damn, but that guy is crazy”.

8. Florida bar: Put up or shut up. In fact, put up AND shut up

2008 was the year that the Florida Bar finally had enough of Jack making a mockery out of their entire livelihood – only eighteen years after the first time they accused him of being insane, so you can see the lightning speed of justice in the Sunshine State. He was ordered to attend a disbarment trial which could ban him from the legal profession for five years. To add “We can file extra lawsuits too” insult to the career-injury, they filed a show cause order stating that he would have to legally prove that he hasn’t been using the legal system as his own personal soapbox and Threatening-Stick. Which at this point would be pretty tricky.

They also ruled that any further legal proceedings filed by Jack must be cosigned by another member of the Florida Bar, or put another way, they are literally saying “You are not allowed to play with our legal system unless supervised by a responsible adult.” He reacted to being told that he was now legally viewed as a minor by immediately filing an appeal. Without a signature.

9. Walks out of his own hearing

Of course, Jack wouldn’t settle for disbarment. With his behavior he managed to get the case elevated to “enhanced disbarment”, forbidding him from practicing law for a full decade, and stormed out of his own proceedings and accusing the judge of not having the authority to hear them.

To restate: he walked out of proceedings on the grounds that the judge in a case brought against him by the Supreme Court did not have the necessary legal authority. Short of Jesus returning, going to law school, and combining with the President and Buddha to form The Right Honourable Lawyo-Tron, it’s hard to imagine who he imagines would have the authority.

He not only accused the judge of being unqualified but also of being mentally unbalanced and started throwing around phrases like “killing three thousand people”. For those of us who’ve been within ten meters of a law enforcement official since 9/11, that’s generally regarded as a bad idea. A really bad idea. A “US Marshals dispatched to your home to explain why talking about committing mass murder in letters to legal officials is not a great idea, as Jack found out shortly afterward.

10. Permanently Disbarred

All this managed to raise the stakes to permanent disbarment, a “never darken our doorstep again” ruling which the Florida Bar finally issued. Nearly two decades after grown man stated he was going to hunt down rappers under the guise of Bruce Wayne. Of course, Jack has pledged to continue the good fight, and given his past behavior, it’s entirely possible that he’ll still be filing suit by the time they’ve got him both legally and physically restrained in a mental hospital, scrawling outraged and inaccurate statements with a crayon held between his teeth.

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