Lige siden pioneren i pædagogisk radiospredning, Mary Somerville , forsikrede lytterne om, at " Tv^(Television) vil ikke holde. Det er et glimt i gryden”, gadget-guruer har taget spektakulært fejl – især når de har en andel i problemet. Her ser vi på fem fabelagtigt falske forsikringer givet med de bedste hensigter, fordelene ved erfaring og mindre nøjagtighed end et horoskop oversat af en gøende hund.

1.  "Takket være den entusiastiske forbrugerrespons på N-Gage QD og vores seneste titler, er vi overbeviste om, at vores succes med at lede den mobile spilverden vil fortsætte" ^{(“Thanks to the enthusiastic consumer response to the N-Gage QD and our latest titles, we’re confident that our success in leading the mobile gaming world will continue”)}
Ilkka Raiskinen, Nokias Senior Vice President of Games .

Hvis der nogensinde har været bevis for, at spilledere lever i en psykotisk selvbedragen verden, der får Nixon-administrationen^{(Nixon Administration)} til at ligne en førskole-fingerpainting-gruppe, så er det denne udtalelse. N-Gage var, er og (bortset fra støtte fra Jesus Christ Returned ) vil altid være en joke i spilindustrien. Ovenstående citat er fra en pressemeddelelse fra Nokia i september 2004 , der fejrer leveringen af ​​deres millionte konsol. Bemærk det vitale ord "fragt" i stedet for "udsalg " - Nokia har en vane med at være stolte af, hvor mange enheder de bygger, når ingen ønsker at købe dem, hvilket de fleste virksomheder betragter som en "dårlig ting."

Hvad værre er, det er anden gang, de har prøvet dette med N-Gage – de hævdede, at fire hundrede tusinde dæk var blevet solgt i de første fjorten dage efter systemlanceringen. De havde faktisk kun solgt seks tusinde. Det er ikke bare dårligt – det er absolut, svimlende, ansigtsbrækkende dårligt – så slemt, at Gamestop og EB begyndte at refundere købere $100 per enhed tre dage senere. Forstå: denne konsol gjorde det så dårligt, at butikker refunderede penge, fordi hele dens eksistens var ødelagt.

Ovenstående citat er dobbelt tragisk, da det fejrer N-Gage QD, som blev udgivet kun seks måneder efter den originale N-Gage. Når du frigiver en opgradering så hurtigt, indrømmer du, hvor skørt lavet forgængeren var, og den originale N-Gage var så fuld af designfejl, at den så ud til at være blevet bygget af en, der havde hørt folk tale om en Game Boy i en elevator én gang, men havde faktisk aldrig set en. Men de fleste mennesker havde allerede fuldstændig afvist systemet, og de fleste af de "entusiastiske forbrugere" har aldrig engang hørt om QD.

2.  Segway for at være "så stor en deal som pc'en" ^{(Segway to be “as big a deal as the PC”)}
Steve Jobs, som du måske har hørt om.^{(Steve Jobs, who you might have heard of.)}

Denne utrolige forsikring, rapporteret i en publikation, der ikke er mindre end Time Magazine, var typisk for hyperhypen, der førte til udgivelsen af ​​Segwayen^(Segway) . Pundits og fagfolk byggede det op så højt, at producenterne brugte Empire State- bygningen som fodstøtte, og det blev ret klart, at hvis kuren mod kræft blev annonceret den 3. december^{(December 3rd)} 2001, ville det have været nødt til at vente, indtil Segway Incorporated var færdige med at tale. I betragtning af den virkelige verdens reaktion på det "revolutionære" produkt, kan vi kun konkludere, at preview-modellen Steve Jobs og andre blev udsat for var belagt med LSD-og-sukker-^{(LSD-and-sugar)} frosting.

Faktum er, at Segway'en^(Segway) burde lykkes – det er en måde at komme rundt i byer på uden at skulle finde et blodigt Hummer-rum et sted, den byder på fremragende teknik og geniale innovationer. Det bare^(Just) . Udseende^(Looks) . Dumt^(Stupid) . Den "seje faktor" kan ikke garanteres (og hvis noget kunne have været, ville det have været denne homofone menneskehjælper), og når kollektivet " Hot eller ej?" dommen kom, kom den i form af ti tusinde identiske stand-up tegneserievittigheder. Segway Incorporateder stadig i gang i det lange løb, efterforsker og udgiver forbedrede versioner, der løser ethvert teknisk problem, de finder - og håber simpelthen, at folk kommer over sig selv og kommer i gang med det forbandede, før Segway HT sendes til at spille med Sinclair C5 .

3.  "Vores forbrugere, som bruger PSP som videoafspiller mere end nogensinde, tørster efter mere indhold, især kortformede videoer" ^{(“Our consumers, who are utilizing PSP as a video player more than ever, are thirsting for more content, particularly short-form videos”)}
Phil Rosenberg, senior vice president for salg og forretningsudvikling, Sony Computer Entertainment America.^{(Phil Rosenberg, senior vice president of sales and business development, Sony Computer Entertainment America.)}

Endnu et tilfælde af PR-speak , der er helt sandt, så vidt det rækker og ikke en mikron længere. For eksempel: Hvis alle fem Atari Lynx- brugere skulle begynde at bruge deres antikke håndsæt som bogstøtter, så kan det være, at " Atari Lynx -forbrugere bruger deres system som litterære enheder mere end nogensinde," men det betyder stadig ikke, at der er rigtig mange eller at det er en god idé.

UMD - film har været en ubetinget fiasko, og selv Walmart har nægtet at lagre dem længere – og jeg ved ikke, om du har bemærket det, men de fyre sælger alt. Det meste af fejlen kan tilskrives Sony direkte . Som sædvanligt antog de bare, at folk ville købe deres produkt (tilsyneladende lider af hukommelsestab efter Betamax og Minidisc ) og gik straks i gang med at lamme deres eget produkt for at beskytte alle de penge, de var ved at tjene. Du kan ikke afspille UMD -film på et tv, fordi du så ikke ville købe en DVD og derefter en Blu-ray . Sonyforventede virkelig, at du ville købe hver film tre gange og blev oprigtigt chokeret, da brugerne blev sure over det. Ingen tomme diske eller optagere er tilgængelige for at forhindre piratkopiering – og jeg er sikker på, at den bevægelse forsinkede piraternes knækkende UMD - diske med tre, måske fire hele minutter. Mens den samtidig og permanent lammer hele brugerbasen.

Piratkopieringsproblematikken gik fra slemt til pinligt dumt, da det blev afsløret, at spil ikke kun nemt kunne kopieres til PSP -hukommelsen, men de arbejdede faktisk HURTIGERE^(FASTER) , end når de var på de dumme officielle UMD- diske. Av! Den eneste vækstindustri inden for UMD- film er en, Sony ikke ønskede, et marked for japanske pornofilm. Sony beskrev dette "meget uønsket", og glemte muligvis, at voksenvideoer var en stor del af, hvorfor VHS fladdede dem helt tilbage. Selvom det er uklart, hvorfor nogen ønsker at se porno på en skærm, hvor de er nødt til at skele for at se noget, andet end for autentisk at genskabe den "voyeur"-følelse.

4.  "Vi er glade for, at HD DVD-formatet er blevet uafhængigt godkendt af Paramount Pictures, Universal Pictures, New Line Cinema og Warner Bros. Studios." ^{(“We are delighted that the HD DVD format has been independently endorsed by Paramount Pictures, Universal Pictures, New Line Cinema, and Warner Bros. Studios.”)}
Mr. Tadashi Okamura, præsident og administrerende direktør for Toshiba Corporation.^{(Mr. Tadashi Okamura, President and CEO of Toshiba Corporation.)}

HD-DVD'en^(HD-DVD) : Sølvmedaljevinder den seneste formatkrig, en konkurrence, hvor alle undtagen guld tages tilbage og skydes gennem hovedet. Det så ud til, at HD-DVD fik en flyvende start – det citat indeholder nogle meget store navne, og det var sandheden og intet andet end sandheden. Det efterlader bare en lille ting kaldet "hele sandheden", og det er her, tingene bliver interessante. Der er masser af andre store navne, som havde lovet Blu-Ray- troskab, som Walt Disney , 20th Century Fox , Buena Vista -billeder - og mærkeligt nok virkede Sony Pictures uvillige til at producere HD-DVD'er^(HD-DVDs) .

Scenen var sat til en kamp, ​​der kunne have rystet tiderne bortset fra en lille ting – kunderne var bare ligeglade. Big business virkede oprigtigt forvirret over, at peonerne ikke stod i kø og bad om chancen for at købe alle deres film igen i et lidt anderledes, dyrere format. Skumrende tekniske analyser rasede frem og tilbage på tværs af nettet fuldstændig uvidende om, at medmindre du er en T800 bevæbnet med et præcisionsmikroskop, er der absolut ingen forskel mellem Blu-Ray og HD-DVD . Faktisk, for almindelige mennesker, skal begge arbejde meget hårdt for at bevise, at der er noget galt med de dvd'er^(DVDs) , vi allerede ejer, og "Fordi de mennesker, der sælger de nye ting, siger det" klipper det ikke.

Da Warner Bros indså, at de havde kastet en krig, og at ingen kom, tog Warner Bros afgørende handling. Den stadig dyrere og meningsløse konflikt skulle ikke ”vindes”, den skulle OVER og så hurtigt som muligt. I januar 2008^{(January 2008)} afsluttede de det i form af en massiv, WB-logo-dolk i HD-DVD'er^(HD-DVDs) tilbage ved at hoppe til Blu-Ray- lejren. Fra det tidspunkt var HD-DVD en hurtig genskabelse af Titanic med ekstra is, og en måned senere rejste Toshiba overgivelsesflaget.

5.  "Vi vil stille alle nødvendige ressourcer til rådighed for at sikre en vellykket lancering." ^{( “We will make every necessary resource available to ensure a successful launch.”)}
Carl Freer, medstifter og formand, Gizmondo.^{(Carl Freer, Co-founder and Chairman, Gizmondo.)}

Da Carl sagde det, rodede han ikke rundt. Elite London - lanceringskontorer, et helt bureau af smukke modeller, ødelagte Ferarris og den svenske mafia – det er ikke bare en konsollancering, det er en James Bond -film. Gizmondo- selskabet , for dem af jer, der ikke allerede griner af hukommelsen, blev synonymt med "fuldstændig vanvittigt forbrug", og det var kun en "succesfuld lancering" på samme måde som Waterworld var en "succesrig penge-tjenende film."

Virksomheden gik konkurs efter at have samlet godt over tre hundrede millioner dollars i tab, mens de solgte mindre end femogtyve tusinde enheder. For at sætte det i perspektiv, kunne de have opnået større salg med lavere omkostninger ved at skrive "Gizmondo" på papkasser med ti tusinde dollars hver og bare give dem ud på gadehjørner.

The 5 Worst Reassurances in Tech History

Ever since educational radio broаdcasting pionеer Mary Somervіlle assurеd lіsteners that “Television won’t last. It’ѕ a flash in the pan”, gadget gυrus have been spectaculаrly wrong – especially when they have а ѕtakе in the issue. Here we look at five fabulously false assurances madе with the beѕt оf intentionѕ, the benefіt of experience, and less accurаcy than a horоscope translated by a barking dog.

1. “Thanks to the enthusiastic consumer response to the N-Gage QD and our latest titles, we’re confident that our success in leading the mobile gaming world will continue”
Ilkka Raiskinen, Nokia’s Senior Vice President of Games.

If ever there was proof that gaming executives live in a psychotically self-delusional world that makes the Nixon Administration look like a preschool fingerpainting group, it’s this statement. The N-Gage was, is, and (barring support from Jesus Christ Returned) always will be a joke in the gaming industry. The above quote is from a press release from Nokia in September 2004, celebrating the shipping of their millionth console. Note the vital word “shipping” instead of “sale” – Nokia has a habit of acting proud of how many units they build when nobody wants to buy them, which most businesses regard as a “bad thing.”

Worse, this is the second time they’d tried this with the N-Gage – they claimed that four hundred thousand decks had sold in the first fortnight after the systems launch. They’d actually only sold six thousand. That isn’t just bad – that’ absolutely, staggeringly, face-breakingly bad – so bad that Gamestop and EB started refunding buyers $100 per unit three days later. Understand: this console did so badly that stores refunded money because its entire existence was broken.

The above quote is doubly tragic as it celebrates the N-Gage QD, which was released only six months after the original N-Gage. When you release an upgrade that quickly you’re admitting how crappily made the predecessor was, and the original N-Gage was so full of design flaws it seemed to have been built by somebody who’d heard people talking about a Game Boy in an elevator once but had never actually seen one. But most people had already utterly dismissed the system, and most of the “enthusiastic consumers” never even heard of the QD.

2. Segway to be “as big a deal as the PC”
Steve Jobs, who you might have heard of.

This incredible assurance, reported in no less a publication than Time magazine, was typical of the hyper-hype leading up to the release of the Segway. Pundits and professionals built it up so high the makers used the Empire State building as a footrest, and it became pretty clear that if the cure for cancer was announced on December 3rd 2001 it would have had to wait until Segway Incorporated were finished talking. Considering the real-world reaction to the “revolutionary” product, we can only conclude the preview model Steve Jobs and others were exposed to was coated in LSD-and-sugar frosting.

The fact remains that the Segway should succeed – it’s a way of getting around cities without having to find a bloody Hummer-sized space somewhere, it features excellent engineering and ingenious innovations. It Just. Looks. Stupid. The “cool factor” cannot be guaranteed (and if anything could have been, it would have been this homophonous human-helper) and when the collective “Hot or Not?” verdict came in, it came in the form of ten thousand identical stand-up comic jokes. Segway Incorporated are still in it for the long haul, researching and releasing improved versions which address every technical issue they find – and simply hoping that people get over themselves and get on the damn thing before the Segway HT is sent to play with the Sinclair C5.

3. “Our consumers, who are utilizing PSP as a video player more than ever, are thirsting for more content, particularly short-form videos”
Phil Rosenberg, senior vice president of sales and business development, Sony Computer Entertainment America.

Another case of PR-speak that’s absolutely true as far as it goes and not one micron further. For example: if all five Atari Lynx users were to start using their antique handsets as bookends, then it may be that “Atari Lynx consumers are using their system as literary devices more than ever,” but that still doesn’t mean that there are very many or that it’s a good idea.

UMD Movies have been an unmitigated failure, with even Walmart refusing to stock them anymore – and I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but those guys sell everything. Most of the failure can be attributed directly to Sony. As per usual they just assumed that people would buy their product (apparently suffering from amnesia after the Betamax and Minidisc) and immediately set about crippling their own product to safeguard all the money they were about to earn. You can’t playback UMD movies on a TV because then you wouldn’t buy a DVD, and then a Blu-ray. Sony really did expect you to buy every movie three times and were genuinely shocked when users got upset about that. No blank discs or recorders are available in order to prevent piracy – and I’m sure that move delayed the pirates cracking UMD discs by three, maybe four whole minutes. While simultaneously and permanently crippling the entire user base.

The piracy issue went from bad to embarrassingly stupid when it was revealed that not only could games easily by copied onto the PSP memory stick, but they actually worked FASTER than when on the stupid official UMD discs. Ouch! The only growth industry in UMD movies is one Sony didn’t want, a market in Japanese porn movies. Sony described this “highly undesirable”, possibly forgetting that adult videos were a big part of why VHS flattened them way back when. Though why anybody would want to watch porn on a screen where they have to squint to see anything, other than to authentically recreate that “voyeur” feeling, it unclear.

4. “We are delighted that the HD DVD format has been independently endorsed by Paramount Pictures, Universal Pictures, New Line Cinema, and Warner Bros. Studios.”
Mr. Tadashi Okamura, President and CEO of Toshiba Corporation.

The HD-DVD: silver medalist the most recent format war, a contest where everybody except gold is taken out back and shot through the head. It seemed that HD-DVD was off to a flying start – that quote contains some very big names and it was the truth and nothing but the truth. That just leaves a little thing called “the whole truth”, and that’s where things get interesting. There are lots of other big names which had pledged Blu-Ray allegiance, like Walt Disney, 20th Century Fox, Buena Vista pictures – and strangely enough Sony Pictures seemed unwilling to produce HD-DVDs.

The stage was set for a pitched battle that could have rocked the ages except for one tiny thing – the customers just didn’t care. Big business seemed genuinely confused that the peons weren’t lining up, pleading for the chance to buy all their movies again in a slightly different, more expensive format. Frothing technical analyses raged back and forth across the web starkly ignorant of the fact that unless you’re a T800 armed with a precision microscope there is absolutely no difference between Blu-Ray and HD-DVD. In fact, for regular humans, both have to work very hard to prove there’s anything wrong with the DVDs we already own and “Because the people selling the new things say so” doesn’t cut it.

Realizing that they’d thrown a war and nobody was coming Warner Bros took decisive action. The increasingly expensive and pointless conflict didn’t have to be “won”, it had to be OVER and as quickly as possible. In January 2008 they ended it in the form of a massive, WB-logoed dagger in HD-DVDs back by jumping to the Blu-Ray camp. From that point on HD-DVD was a fast-motion recreation of the Titanic with extra ice, and a month later Toshiba raised the surrender flag.

5. “We will make every necessary resource available to ensure a successful launch.”
Carl Freer, Co-founder and Chairman, Gizmondo.

When Carl said that, he wasn’t messing around. Elite London launch offices, an entire agency of beautiful models, wrecked Ferarris and the Swedish Mafia – that’s not just a console launch, that’s a James Bond movie. The Gizmondo company, for those of you not already laughing at the memory, became synonymous with “utterly insane spending” and it was only a “successful launch” in the same way Waterworld was a “successful money-making movie.”

The company went bankrupt after racking up well over three hundred million dollars in losses while selling less than twenty-five thousand units. To put that in perspective, they could have achieved greater sales with lower costs by writing “Gizmondo” on cardboard boxes containing ten thousand dollars each and just giving them out on street corners.

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